The Good Old Days.

Recently, my mind seems to drift back to the old days. When I say the old days its not that I am THAT old, just that it floats back to the time when I was still young. Sometimes I even see the images of me back then. Thats the power of mind. That is also another reason why, when I first have the visions i was afraid to tell as I didn't know if it was a figment of my imagination or was it real. I did ask God and I had this naggin answer at the back of my head - " Believe" Scary huh.

Back to the old times. When I was younger, there was no MC D at my home place. That is when i was stil in primary school. Back then I wore braces since standard 4. We then usesd to travel to SS2 - the orthodontist (spelling maybe off but too lazy to go check). After each session, I really really couldn't eat for days... Its horrible and your teeth feels so like sour. You get my drift. I hated these trips. But my mom, my good old mom, will usually take me shopping after that, she will take me to buy those pork floss and "bak kuah" and then to the book stores.. blablabla. I know my mom is not rich. In my family only my dad works and there is 4 of us. My dad doesnt' give my mom that much money hence the money is mostly saved by cutting corners when she shops for the house or when she goes marketing.

Since we didn't have Mc D in where i lived, which is a totally different place from the PJ area, the times when I could actually bite, she would take me there. Sometimes during the school holidays, she will take us all there, my brothers and my sister too. when she takes out the cash to pay, its pains my heart as I know with that she would need to cut corners for awhile.

Now adays, we eat mc D like nothing, even up to the point of jelak. Imagine... That's life isn't it. When we can afford things, we don't really cherish it anymore.

My dad would never do that for us. I am not saying that my dad is a bad person. Its just that his way of thinking and upbringing is different. I would say its his conservative mind that is working. He is a man who still thinks that with 100 ringgit you can buy a pair of jeans and couple of shirts! hehehe... that is why he never does his own shopping or esle he will end up empty handed at the end of it all.

The good old days - free of worries, parents providing the basic needs.
These days - stress, worries, working for the future which is uncertain. Thats our life huh!

Almost the End

As we all know the year is drawing to an end. As the newspapers start reminiscing on the year , we will be spread with pictures of the events that happened this year.

I guess in a way, this year has been a very significant year in most people lives. In some countries, some eventful things has happened - in Russia, in China, now the SEA area.

I guess in our lives too as we ponder back, this year has its major events. For mine yes. and it started with sadness and it also ended with sadness. And alot of sadness in between too.

Everyone is talking about the tsunami and why God let it happen. Its just like the september 11 case in the US. People will tend to blame God when thingslike this happen. I am one of the culprit too when things go wrong in my life. But I guess, if we think of it as this God is our Father, then He wouldn't let bad things happen to us. He has carved us at the palm of His hands and given us His son. God's has His reasons. Maybe its a lesson to mankind to be human and kind. But why all these poor countries are affected? Only God has the answer.

I want to start the new year with hope and wish that it will be a good year for me. I hoped that all the bad things are to happen has happened this year.

I leave you with this...


Friday, 31st December 2004 (Octave 7th Day: Jn 1:1,14-18)
Dear Friend in the Lord, God's Mystery: God is infinite. He has no beginning and no end. God created all human beings and the whole universe in His Wisdom and Love. This Truth is beyond our limited minds. Learn to interiorize this divine mystery in faith and to grow in gratitude and humility to God. Then live this as your 2005 resolution.

Fr Philip Heng, S.J.

Met with an accident

Sigh So sad. What a day!

Met an accident in the car park!!!!!! And the gall of the other person to scold me in 4 Letter word that starts with F. over and over again. I got so pissed off.. i told him its an accident and u should be using 4 letter word on me. Whatever the reason is, its not rite to do that. Anyways.. i was pissedd.. and i did defend myself.

My car is totally damaged in front but his car is still intact with just the side doors dented. And he was blooodee worried about his car. He kept saying that.. he just serviced his car.. he has to work this will create prblem for him. I was like what the heck! Like i don't have to work, like i care if he just serviced his car? Whats the relevance of it all to this accident.

Police report is the best.. claim insurance.. Irritating. Just bcoz he is male he thinks he can intimidate me... Wrong number babe....

anyways... time to think about buying a new care but it takes money and i promised myself i will not spend money.. liao.

Save for my - just incase i get into the mood to resign - days.. hahahaha.

I ended the year with a loud bang, boom and kaput!

Superficiality

Now that the Christmas carolling is over, i thought finally we wont' be hearing from superK for awhile. Hmm.. who is superK, you might ask? Well SuperK is the lead of the carolling thingy. Ringgit , remember i told you about her.

okie, as I was telling ringgit, SuperK treats us like kids. Don't fold the book, it looks awful in pictures. Make sure the girls put on lipstick since we are in the light. Sigh.. is that the reason why we are singing all these gigs and collecting the money? I thought it was for the HIV/AIDS victims in the home, the orphans in Pakistan, the poor nuns at the Little sisters of the poor? sigh... the purpose of this mission has been distorted.

I told ringgit that I am not going to confront her about how i felt about the whole thing. WHY? Firstly because I just went for confession, didn't want to taint my soul again. Secondly, I thought forgive and forget. Sigh, I thought that was the end of it.

But today, SuperK sent out an email stating that on 25th of Dec, during one of the gigs, some guy who was obviously totally pissed drunk.... put his arms around her. She got totally emotionally and paranoid about it. Coz it brought back memories about an incident that happened 2 years ago in the US while she was still ther studying in harvard doing her masters. Anyways.. .the point here is that she wrote this email balbalbablablabalba.. i am not going to get into details.. How she said that she gave the whole 500+ ringgit back to the event manager and told her to give the money to the charity directly. She felt that the event manager should have kept the place safe. .hmm.. whatever. Anyways... One gal from the carolling team wrote back and said its time to forgive and move on and the last line she made a statement about superficial faults....

So superK got pissed replied stating that what did that gal meant by Supeficial faults - obviously she didn't know SuperK... WAAA chia lat. anyways... the whole mission of doing charity for the good has turn out to be this. How sad!

Focus people Focus... the whole thing wasn't about you and me. It was and still is about them and HIM. Doing HIS work. Even if i look like a shit with or without lipstick or whatever.. as long as I am committed, came for the gigs... sang.. collected the money for the people... whats wrong with that?

Sigh..... Wrong number babe!

A sermon to ponder - Christmas Sermon

read this... http://jesuit.org.sg/html/advent.christmas/a.christmas.dawn.html

Fr. G asked, can you see Jesus in everyone that you meet?
And my answer would be, I wish I can.

The above link is not from Fr.G . Its a jesuit website that i subcribe to daily for readings to be sent to my mailbox. Its very good. But this one is special its about christmas and the meaning of it in your life.

Fr. G said on Christmas sermon, he knows that small gal from klang who is abused. she apparently has visited our church before and brought there by some people. Fr. G said, when the little gal sees him, she says - JESUS. fr. G said... that's how the little know him and has affiliated him with being Jesus. By the way, that little gal ain't a christian either. Gods work again? U Betacha.!

Mood Swings

Mood Swings - who hasn't experienced them before. Mind you from my obversation, i noticed that guys go thru mood swings too. So they shouldn't always be blaming women becoz of their PMS time that they have mood swings. At least we have a reason, but what the guys' reason?

Anyways, the weather over here where I am staying right now has been rather bleak for the last couple of days. The sky is almost constantly dark for the past 2 days. Thats how i feel inside me too.... dark and cloudy. Yeah - you're rite I am having the mood swing. Anyways, it also happens to be the time when my "best friend" is visiting. But I think this mood swing is more than the PMS thingy.

During this time of the year, some people would be penning down their new year's resolution. As for me, I have been guilty of that too in the past. I remember one time, I went to PD with a good friend of mine ( well we dont' talk that much no more as she seemed very bz with what she is doing and has forgotten all her friends) and we sat and wrote about our new year's resolution. It was around year 2000. I still have the piece of paper mind you :) Of course some of the things I have done and crossed out like my white river rafting - but it ain't rafting though, it was kayaking that I did.

I am not going to write any new year resolution this year. As I see it, its going to be mundane anyways. Almost every year since I was 21, I have a couple of the same things listed. It turns out every year!!! Its getting stale. Or another way of putting it, I am just giving up on it.

Recently, I have been dreading the new year to arrive. Why! you might ask? This is becoz a new year means getting a year older. I will turn a year older from yesterday in 4 months. Every year i dread it. But this year i dread it the most. Its 4 mths away and I am already thinking about it.

I have very few years left before I hit the 35. When that happens I guess, i have to rethink about my goals in life. 35 would mean tht chances of having my own family is going down the drain. I dare not even hope these days.

So I am having a bad day - yes. I am feeling very blue - YES.

Even though I welcome the new year for a different reason. I welcome it to mark the ending of the worse year of my life. Hoping that the year 2005 would be much better but yet I dread it due to the aging factor that it brings.

One hope for this year is that I will be able to move out of my comfort zone and let the Lord lead me where He wants me to go. Lord, I am willing to give a try. Lead me to where I will find peace and joy.

Christmas!

Today marks Christmas Day. Just like the ritual every year. I went for Mass and then afterwards, proceed home to open the pressies....

Today's Sermon was good. As usual Fr. Gerard is a very good speaker but alas, he will be leaving us soon to go back to the seminary to teach. That's actually his true role but for the last 4 years due to the low registration for priests he was actually posted out to do work. He was in our parish for 4 years now.

Today he told us that, this morning, he found a present in the crib which have they built on the altar. Every year there's a crib. But today at MASS, when he went there to bow to the Lord as per tradition at the beginning of the mass, he found something! That something was a bottle of milk. See in the crib, lay baby Jesus and Mother Mary and Joseph. Someone, Fr. doesn't know who that person is either, decided that Baby Jesus needed milk. Fr. G was saying that he didn't know whether to laugh or cry. but obviously this person's gestures comes from the heart. He then asked us, What are you giving Jesus on his birthday? If you don't know , you might want to consider this - going out of your comfort zone and go where the Lord wants to lead you.

He also asked us this, during the time when Jesus was born, there was no place for him at the Inn. Therefore he found shelter in the barn. Do you have a place for Jesus in your heart!!!!
I do have a place for Jesus in my heart. But whether i Feel him there everytime - is something questionable.

I love Fr.G sermon's it always touches you. His sermon always makes sense....

I am gonna miss his sermon as this will be the last Christmas he will spending with us.

Happy Birtheday JC.!

The Eve

For years, I used to go for the Mid Night Mass. Always being rushed to the Church at around 8 something eventhough mass only begins at 10pm. It always starts with a Play. Yeah a long one too. I never really appreciated it. And if you go thru it year after year it just becomes very mundane. Falling asleep during the mass is worse, probably the only time you're actually awake is during the peace exchange. hehehehe. You have to be awake....

Anyways, after my grandma who is already in her 80s came to stay with us and to top that up, there's the kids too? Well not really thats just an excuse hahahaa. Anyways.. since then, we will not go for the mid nite mass , but instead we attend the sunday morning mass. The difference? I think the difference is that its shorter and with you more awake, you get the message into your numb skull better..

For 2 years now, I have been carolling on Christmas EVE. Yeah sucks rite? But that's what call comittment. You made one and you have to keep to it. I actually promised myself that I won't sing this christmas eve. But somehow I got Sucked into. The sad part is , christmas eve is my late sister in law's birthday and tonite they have a stimboat to celebrate it eventhough she is no longer with us. Its kinda sad..... But i can't make it. Since i have alreayd made commitment to sing at royal selangor club and lake club. There is about only 10 of us singing - alot of them have FFK.

There's a history with the birth of my sister in law. My sis in law was born a non christian. I dont' like to use the word non believer. As I believe everyone has their own believes but it just may not be christianity. During her funeral the priest said. God has already planned Sarah's path. Sarah was brought to know a Christian family - which is my family. And later Sarah embraced christianity. God has brought her to a loving christian family and where she passed on in a good christian family too. And to see the link of both maybe it was God's will that she will pass on as a christian since she was born on Christmas eve. God's way is incredible and not something we can always understand. But the biggest frustration for me, eventhough I acknowledge this but its hard not to know....

Happy Birthday Sarah. May your Soul rest in peace....

Mulut Celupar

Okay, as I have mentioned before, I now have this male bonnie in my dept and that's not the worse thing, this bonnie sits in the same small room as myself and another guy. Okie this new company, they dont' know the concept of open office. Eveyone is placed in rooms - could be alone or with roommates. Due to renovation to build the open concept office floor by floor.... currently each room at least have 2 to 3 people.

Bonnie has a big mouth and sarcasm is his middle name. But the problem here is that he criticizes everyone but he can't take a criticism. As you know me, sometimes I can be quite sharp tongue. As I am not very patient also. So .... after taking all he has said for 2 weeks with patience , my patience was running out big time. So yesterday i told him, if you can give criticism you should be able to take it. Why i said that? Coz each time we say something to him, he will complain that we treat him bad , we are so sarcastic to him we are all the bad stuff.

But in actual fact usually it takes me longer to dislike a person but with him, its almost instantly. The problem here is he is also indian and as we all know, they are known for their mulut lah.... for whatever reasons...

Anyways... I pray that I will be moved soon or else i might end up being crazy. don't to him much also kena... talk also kena.. so how - you tell me!

Always wanna sibuk and act smart but his work he cannot finish.

GRRRRRRRRR

Christmas blues?

Hmm.. I don't think anyone can get christmas blues lah. But the flu bug is trying to get me. So far I am still able to withstand it. But for how long?

Been Sneezing and also my nose is pretty much stuffed up. What crap!!! and Christmas is just....5 days away...................... I have to sing on 24th!!!!!!! At 2 places, one at the hotel and another at lake club.. dang....

Worse scenario will be to fong fei kei. hehehehee.................

Letter to my dear JC

Dear JC,
Its almost Christmas time. Almost your birthday. Thank You being in my life all this time. I have known you since as long as I can remember. Its a long while now. JC, as you know our relationship has been like a roller coaster. Sometimes its like the hilly lands and sometimes green like the plains. Sometimes when the ride is rough, I get angry; I get frustrated. But if you notice JC, I always come back. Because, I have realized that without you and my faith, I am nothing.
My faith in catholism give me a rope to hold on during the times of trouble eventhough I feel like I am almost drowning. I think JC, You know that this year has been tremendously tough on me. Its still continuing.
JC, sometimes I wonder whether I will be able to endure all the pain like how you have endured and paid to give us salvation. JC, sometimes I dream about the life of utopia... doing something I love. Waking up each day and bursting with joy but on the other hand, I am living a totally opposite life. But in reality, can utopia exist in this earthly world, or utopia can only exist in heaven! Probably so.
JC, soemtimes I think about it. I don't do drugs, I don't drink. In comparison to alot of people I am a good person. But sometimes, I feel like such a bad person. Why can't I do more for the society, for the people... Why do I feel so unsatistified with myself. That's a sin in it all , isn't it. As Your Father made me in His image. And with all the imperfections that I have, I have read so many times that I am given gifts. I have said this many times that I am nothing , I have no talents, I have no gifts. That probably had hurt you and our mighty Father.
That is why in this sense I feel I am not a good person. But thats what being a christian is about rite, JC? Making mistakes, learning from it, and evaluating and then make the change for the better?
JC, thank You for being there during my trouble, during the times when I had hard time coping. Thank You for giving the visions that I have all this year. Thank YOu for all the things you have given me. No amount of thank you can describe how indepted I am to you. THank You for ending the sufferrings of Sarah. Thank You bringing her to be with you and by your side. THank You for giving me the vision of seeing her with you during her funeral day. Thank You for helping me withstand all the discriminations and alientions that I have gone thru all my life.
I want to hear you speak to me more JC. Sometimes in the stillness of the nites, I long to hear your message for me. I don't want to lose you in my life. I strive everyday to speak to you. Help me hear you JC. Help me hear what you have to say to me. Please be my mentor in this earthly life of mine.

Your loving follower,
M_G

Retro nite

Hmmm.. its almost 11.40pm and I just reached home from our Divison's Retro Nite. The theme was 70s. Well I hate to dress up but I wanted to go anyways. Was told its okay not to dress so I went.

It was surprise to see that everyone is so sporting. that included the managers who actually performed. Its also not surprising to see that majorti of a certain race participated in GIS Idol hahaha.

Anyways.. that takes away abit of stress from current situation. all I can say is that coming from a prestigous company and going into a new company is really stressful.... your profile is so high that people's expectation of you is high too.

Well........... i have one thing to say ringgit... i now have another sorta bonnie only this time its a guy and he thinks he can boss us around...

sigh...... I hate the corporate world.

Confession

Its that time of the year where its encouraged to go for confession as often as possible but some people like me wait till before christmas to do it :)

Waiting for your turn during confession is the real test of patience. Firstly, there will mega zillions of people just like me doing that one year off thingy... So stand in line patiently and praying hard that more priest will show up.

My confession waiting time today is one hour. and mind you!!! 1 hour standing in line huh.

then I was like trying to remember the Act of Contrition rite... i mean i only say it once a year!!!! DUH of course I forget. I wrote it down in a paper before I went. And after confessing and then the priest said.. say the act of contrition now.. i just blanked. and he stared at me.. and said again. Say the Act of Contrition :) then i just went thru it like the bullet train hahahhaa... but at least he didnt' stop me and say, you said it wrongly so I pretty much guess I did it rite :)

Lately I have been very tired. WHy? Dunno. I still duno what to expect of this new job but looks like its leaving behind the O technology and doing more on windows stuff.

I just hope whatever it is , it won't involve coding... my greatest nitemare...

Ciao.. eyes closing...
heart bleeding.....

Winter Wonderland

We are into the 3rd week of Advent already. Christmas is around the corner.
I have enjoyed the carolling practises we had and the gigs we performed. I have to say that this year's carolling ain't as good at the last year's but then again last year we had more people.

Like today's gig at Sheraton, we only had 7 people in total. I guess it takes commitment to be involved in things like this. I enjoyed the singing eventhough I do hope that my voice will still be there when Christmas appoaches. Its almost cracking already.

During this Christmasy time, I sometimes think about thos good old days when christmas time was white. I love the first snow. When it falls its just so beautiful, light and clean. I like to see the first snow not in the normal light but how it looks under the neon lights. And how it feels, so fluffy and light. I used to dine with this guy at the dining center. I forget how i got to know him. Probably thru mimi hmmm.. and mimi is one gal who flirts with all the guys be it white or whatever color. all i can remember is there are about 4 of us who used to dine together.

One late evening, while walking back from having dinner at the dining center, we saw the first snow and what more under the streets lights. As you know, the sky gets dark very early during winter time. I was going on and on about how beautiful the first snow look under the street lights. and how clean it is and fluffy and the beautiful formation of the snow flake. He just stared at me like I have gone nuts.

I mean Jason has lived all his life in the US. He is an American. So he is so used to these things that he hardly sees the beauty in it anymore. As for me, i cherish every experience and moment that I am there as I know thats its only temporary that i get to live in such a 4 seasoned place. I wish in my heart then and even now that I had the chance to live on there.

The first snow is beautiful but the slush which it turns into at the end or almost at the end of the winter is gross. And the end of winter is the worse coz when the ground is wet and summmer approaching those earth worms will start creeping out. and its every where. And its not the short ones that we see here.. its long and i mean long.... At nite when you walk back to the dorms, you can't see em.. and you step on them.. GROSSSSSSSSSS.... and as you know, everywhere in the dorm is carpetted. So you walk in and step on the carpets with this stuff stuck to the bottom of your shoes. :)

You know, I get melancholy when I think about the past and esp during Christmas time. Think about the 3 White Christmases I spent in the states. Then I remembered, my ex company's MD used to say. People who live in the past will not progress into the future. :(

But whatever it is, I miss the times of the winter wonderland. The times where I layed on the snow and made snow angels and the snow man...... Thos were the beautiful times in my life.

I never did have many friends. I think its my nature that I am very cautious with getting close to people. but anyhow, some good people still find their way to me and we cross path and met. The beauty of fate.

What I wish for Christmas would be to find that man in my life and have a loving family. Whether that will be realized or not is a different matter. But at least i have a wish

Counting down to Christmas....

The Age Factor

I have to admit that this topic has been running in my mind for awhile now. At the time before i hit 30 it was constantly on my mind. Then when I hit 30 - it wasn't that bad.
Just recently it got me thinking again. How did this come about?

Well, I went for carolling at the mall yesterday like infront of public audience , infront of ppl we dont' know :) Anyways.... 3 of us were in the car and were talking and apparently all 3 of us changed jobs this year. One of us was in HR. So she mentioned that should move before we hit 35. Coz once we hit 35 no one would wanna hire us anymore. How sad....

I mean why do people need to look at age as a factor? Isn't that unfair? What if I am 35 but and a hardworker and also a good employee - wouldn't that count for something. How come our asian culture doesn't give a person in their 30s to change their job function or change of career.

I have read in the newspapers , overseas where poeple change their jobs at age of 40 to different areas of their career. Some even to a totally new field.

I got me thinking. What if i hit 35 and decides that IT is not for me no more. Would it mean that I still have to stick to it and suffer with it till i retire? What a horrid thought.

This world....

the mind

i started a new job - my 3rd new one this year. Its been about 3 days now. Often when i get back from work, I switch on the pc and then i logon to blogger but some or rather I don't feel like writing so I log off again.

I can't begin to explain how i feel inside. I believe my problem with myself is so deeply rooted that I don't know what it is anymore.

Something really terrible about me. My Mind - is constantly analyzing , thinking and on top of all worrying. Every little bit of things - I will ponder and analyze and think. That part of it has brought many many problems in my life.

But I can't switch it off. Constantly, even during sleep, my mind if ticking. Maybe that is why I can't have a good sleep.

Maybe thats the reason why I am so tired. I am mentally drained.

I think alot I have to admit. I have to find a reason for everything. But maybe life is like that, you can't find a reason for everything.

I remember once in my philosophy class, I was asked by the professor. You're a christian. why do you believe in God. How do you know there's God. I said.. for me, its like the air you breath, you can't see it yet you know its there. That's how it is for me. Maybe that's faith....

This Advent season, I have been praying to have this part of me sacrificed to God. I need to be able to leave my fears and worries to Him. Its tough.

SIgh... i don't know what to do.....

my mind - the ultimate confusion in my life.

Tired...

I am tired.... Tired tired tired.
of what?
of every damn thing in my life. Both physically and mentally tired.

wish I can be carefree.